The site is called namida because it is the Japanese word for “tears.” Every bit of this site is a piece of me; it is my tears, droplets of myself from inside of me driven to come out by my emotions as they trail along the surface exposing themselves to you. I want to share my tears with you. Tears are sometimes driven by sorrow, anger, fear, or happiness. The tears I am exposing are from those emotions as well. I invite you to explore the tears of Jet Kanashi, and in turn, recognize the tears you hold inside yourself as well.

Why are you so sad? The reason for Kanashi

My father called me “Jet-man” when I was little. He called me a lot of things; there seemed to be a nickname for every day of the week. I thought Jet made a good first name because it was my initials after all.

Am I a sad person? Perhaps. Or at least some of the time. Everyone knows what sorrow is like. In that sense I can’t say I’m much different from anyone else. But I admit, I am clinically depressed, and for many years I was not aware of that and just thought that what I felt was normal. I do empathize with those of you out there who have depression or have been rather depressed at times.

I was never a social person. To be honest, most of my life I was afraid of being with people. I would run and hide if things got too intense. I remember when I was five years old and my female friend had a birthday party. I was the only boy invited and I didn’t know any of the other people there. When they all started to arrive I got so scared that I ran away and spent the rest of the party sitting on the stairs. When the girl’s mother came to get me, I told her to go away because I was hibernating. These feelings sort of stayed with me most of my life. I remember when I was in high school. It was a small high school, only about 120 students or so. They held this halloween party. When I stepped in I was scared; too many people all in one room. Then they dimmed the lights and blared the music. A girl asked me to dance. It was so overwhelming that I ran out and spent the remainder of the school day sitting on a bench outside listening to sailor moon background music.

I think my antisocial behavior effected my feelings of sadness. I was unable to be social by the time I entered high school. I didn’t like myself and in turn I didn’t let anyone else. I hated the idea of my voice changing, so I whispered instead. You can’t really have insightful conversations with someone who whispers. People didn’t really know what to make of me, so they left me alone. I was lonely, and so I delved into school work and obsessed about collecting Sailor moon dolls and became a compulsive eater. Anything I could do to hide the sadness of being alone.

I started to change my behavior once I graduated, but it was a gradual process. I started by changing the way I dressed, and through therapy, medications, and voice lessons, every now and then something would change. But the sadness inside always remains. There’s just something sad I hold inside of me that doesn’t let go. Now I’m learning to accept the sadness instead of trying to fight or avoid it, and that’s why I chose “kanashi” (Japanese for “sorrow”).

I fell in love with the character 悲 (kana) when I studied Japanese in college. Although one has to add a し(shi) at the end to make “kanashi,” I like to place the kana by itself to make a more powerful statement. I fell in love with how it really feels like sadness: the top part resembles a rib cage, and it means “negative.” The bottom part is the symbol for “heart.” Put the two together and you get a negative heart, or sadness. I know that there will always be a sadness inside me no matter how I improve, and so I’ve grown to adjust and accept the sadness inside me. So I adopted the name Kanashi to honor that sadness. By having sadness in my life I have learned so much, and so that is why I welcome it. The isolation, the obsessions have taught me so much about life, about love. I like to think that everyone has a little sorrow inside them. I hope that you find your own kanashi inside you and in turn learn from what it is teaching. Love the sadness just as you love the happiness, and I hope you’ll then understand yourself, just as I have come to understand, Jet Kanashi.